Ask Nurse Darby: There Has Got to Be More
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Q: It’s a bit out of my comfort zone to talk about things like this, but I am really frustrated. I have always heard people say that as a woman gets older, sex is better. I am 43 yrs. old and I just don’t want to think about it. I have been married for years and love my husband very much. I just seem to have lost all sex drive. Is this normal?
A: You absolutely are not the only woman who feels this way. There are several factors that can cause these feelings and understanding them is the first step to overcoming them. First, as women age, we experience several changes in our bodies that affect our desire for sexual intimacy. Second, society seems to have this unrealistic view of women and sexuality, which is evident when we look at many magazine covers and television commercials. All too often, the views of society regarding what defines beauty seems to make the internal struggle that we deal with worse.
What is Really Going On?
So, what is really going on? One of the biggest challenges that women over 40 face is changes in hormone levels. Decreased estrogen leads to less vaginal secretions. The result is painful intercourse which causes many women to avoid sexual intimacy altogether. Another big concern for women over 40 is a slower metabolism. In fact, the change in our metabolism tends to have a domino effect on what is going on in the rest of our body. Slower metabolism coupled with a less than perfect diet results in weight gain and anincreased challenge when attempting to lose weight. Adipose tissue acts as insulation for our bodies, as well as a cushion against injury.
With the loss of adipose tissue and a decrease in the elasticity of the skin, we begin to develop wrinkles, especially around our eyes and mouths. Many women demonstrate an altered self-perception regarding their personal appearance, and this often affects their desire for intimacy. For some, emotional issues may develop. Additionally, with age, joints, especially the knees, feel creaky and our bodies seem to ache in places that never ached before.
So, like any good blogger, I went to social media and asked my followers to chime in with their opinions. Below are a few questions I asked and some of the answers I got from readers:
What You Should Know
It’s important to know that, while all women experience similar changes with age, no two people are exactly the same. With this in mind, don’t be too hard on yourself. Many people have a misunderstanding and think that the actual act of sex defines one’s sexuality. However, sexuality is best described as a person’s feeling about themselves regarding gender, sexual orientation and/or what they believe their level of sex appeal or attractiveness is. Sexuality strongly influences the way people, especially women, feel about sexual intimacy.
Girl, Fan That Flame!
Because so many people associate their desire for sexual intimacy with their physical appearance or what they perceive someone else sees in them, it is easy to let those bedroom fires go out. Don’t worry, though…. It’s not too late! Girl, fan that flame!
As with anything worth having, the first step is often the hardest. Now, let’s talk about somethings that may cause what many of us refer to as “bedroom block” and discuss ways to overcome it.
Preoccupied with Other Things
Anxiety and stress are often the last things women want to talk about, but they are among the most common underlying reasons for decreased libido in women. I’m not talking about divorce court issues,or even extensive therapy issues. In most cases, these are the small things that have built up over a period and have led to feelings of conflict for a couple.
One of my colleagues and I were recently talking about this subject and she said, “Women just can’t seem to stop thinking. We think about the dishes. We think about feeding the dog. We think about the kid’s ball practice and wonder if their uniforms are clean. We think about how our husbands made us angry two weeks ago before dinner and we still aren’t over it. We think about how much work we do and how little we are appreciated, which leads to even more frustration. We think about all of that in the middle of trying to become intimate. No wonder we don’t want to have sex!”
Being preoccupied during intimacy can be frustrating for both partners, but there are some ways to help remedy this. Being open with your partner about some of the things that make you feel stressed will give him an opportunity to help. Many women don’t realize there are very few men who will pass on an opportunity to increase their partner’s sex drive. Men and women communicate differently, and many men wait for women to initiate the serious conversations,even those about sex. This is your chance to open a dialogue with your partner. Share your concerns and why you feel you may be stressed or preoccupied. Remember to not use accusatory statements such as, “You make me feel stressed when you….” or “I wish you would just…..” Instead, saying something like, “I really want to find some ways to spice up our love life. I have felt very overwhelmed lately but want to work with you to resolve these feelings.” Remember the old saying, “You attract more flies with honey than vinegar.” This is especially true when talking about a sensitive subject like sexual intimacy.
Understanding Your Sex Drive (or Lack of Sex Drive)
For some women, hormonal changes are the contributing factor to loss of sex drive. Some experts state that even women who have partners with whom they arevery compatible often experience loss of interest in sex. When low sex drive is hormone related, the fix can be as simple as using a lubricant or cream on the clitoral area.
It is important to acknowledge that, if a woman is feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or under appreciated. A woman’s body can be “turned on,” but she may not be emotionally interested in being sexually intimate. This is why communication is so important!
Getting Your Sex Drive Back
There is definitely life after 40, so don’t fret! The next thing to do is begin taking steps toward reaching your goal of increased sex drive.
One thing that I cannot seem to stress to women enough is, it really is ok to have those days when you don’t feel like yourself or those days that sex is the last thing on your mind. However, when it begins to become something that you feel self-conscious about, or something that you think is causing trouble in paradise, that is when it’s time to do some self-inventory and begin making steps to a happier, healthier you.
There is no doubt that when we are physically healthy, we often feel much healthier emotionally. Having said that, if you are at the point where you are ready to address the issues of decreased libido, I strongly advise a trip to your doctor. Talk to her about your concerns. Don’t be shy. You are the boss in this contract; so, tell your doctor what concerns you and what you want to do about it. Ask her advice but remember that only you can make a decision that is comfortable for you.
Things to Consider
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For those women who are peri-menopausal, most doctors will do some blood work to check hormone levels, as these have a direct effect on sex drive. If painful intercourse has been an issue for you, it is during this appointment that you can ask questions about creams to help with vaginal dryness.
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If you are having difficult dealing with somethings emotionally, don’t be afraid to discuss this with your doctor. There are counselors who specialize in women’s health and talking to one of them may be just what you need to help youfeel like you are ready to be more confident with your sexual intimacy.
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Diet and exercise are important, no matter what age a person. Aging women still need to have a good exercise regimen. I don’t mean that you must go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. Walking a few days a week is better than doing nothing. It makes you use your muscles, helps keep bones strong, and improves circulation. A healthy diet filled with lean meats, fruits, and vegetables helps to ensure that you get the needed nutrient in take daily. Your body needs calories for energy……. You definitely want that!
Remember, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to talk with your partner about your feelings. As always, I recommend that all women find a women’s health provider that they feel comfortable discussing issues with and consult them with any medical concerns.
