Finding Harmony When...You Need to Say No
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Q: All my life I’ve been a “yes” woman. I used to enjoy lending a helping hand whenever needed, but now, in my 40s, I seem to have become the go-to for everything. It feels like everyone wants a piece of me – my friends, my family, the school, work, and on and on. Recently I’ve discovered that saying “yes” to everyone is leaving me feeling tired and emotionally drained. What started as a method of inclusiveness now has me feeling sad, isolated and lonely. I want to change but I’m afraid if I start saying “no” I’ll lose everyone. What should I do?
You are not alone. Right now, before reading on, close your eyes and take 5 long, slow, deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Feel calmer?
Do this whenever the anxiety of saying “no” starts to creep in. You are generous and caring to those around you. But you are not being generous and caring to yourself. Harmony starts from within. Approach saying “no” as a simple experiment.
The Harmonious No
Start Small
Pick one thing that you have been asked to do and are dreading. (Please pick something that you have not already said yes to). Keep it simple – something like a dinner or party invitation.
Preparation is your key for success. Prepare and practice your “no,” making sure it is direct but kind. Include positive statements but be prepared for pushback. After all, they are expecting your yes. Also, be ready so you don’t fall victim to the push for a why. Finally, try not to apologize. You have nothing to apologize for when you say “no” and an apology leaves an opening for unnecessary questions or manipulation.
"I can’t make your dinner, but I do hope you have a wonderful evening."
"I will not be attending, but I’m sure you will all have a lovely time."
"I’m sure there will be another time we can get together soon but I won’t be there this time. I’d love to hear what you are planning for your guests."
Expect Setbacks
You’ve spent your life saying “yes” so don’t expect change to be easy. There is a lot of mental rewiring that must happen before you become comfortable.
According to syndicated advice columnist Carolyn Hax, “Recognize that you still feel the effects of other people's expectations. Just because they have them doesn't mean you're obligated to meet them; remind yourself of that whenever you feel them tugging at you from the other side of your boundary.”
If you find yourself preoccupied with worry after a “no” or slipping into old patterns, take a moment to step back, recognize your progress, and congratulate yourself for setting boundaries. Cycle back to step one (Start Small) as many times as needed until you become comfortable.
Remind Yourself Why You Say No
As your setbacks happen, connect with your purpose. By saying “no” to things that are not in harmony with your needs, you are working towards a more peaceful existence. The energy that you regain by saying “no” will give you greater energy to dedicate to the “yeses” that matter most to you.
Richard Carlson, PhD, states (Foreword, How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You), “What I’ve discovered is that when I make decisions not from guilt but from the heart, I feel emotionally fulfilled and in harmony with myself.”
Surround Yourself with Joy and Support
As you are working through your Harmonious No experiment, surround yourself with joy and support. For example, open up and talk about your experiment with your friends. You will likely find others in your circle that struggle with the same issue. You may find understanding and support that can help sustain you.
Most importantly, add a wholehearted “yes” for every “no.” These “yeses” allow you to fully feel the joyful results of redirecting your energy to activities that are in harmony with your needs and desires. The positive reinforcement feels great and will help keep you on your path to achieving harmony in saying “no.”